The Sports Guesspert

Why the Giants will run out of ammo before the Super Bowl

Yeah, "Weekend Update" did chime in about the Plaxico incident ... but as far as public service announcements go, it's no Peyton Manning pitch for the United Way.

Sad to say that "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report" each did funnier takes ... but it's sadder to say that's par for the course on current events these days. Saddest to say is that that statement is not news. We cry so we may laugh. Keenan Thompson's final one-liner is pretty OK tho. Then again, it's always a good idea to have a doctor who takes cash on speed-dial.

P.S. Tonight at 7 p.m., NBC is airing an hourlong special called "Saturday Night Live: Sports Extra." If they want to impress me, they'll reair the 1983 sketch, "Bob Hope's Super Bowl Party", starring Dave Thomas as Bob Hope, Rick Moranis as Woody Allen and Frank Sinatra as Joe Piscopo. No wait, reverse that last one.

Original airdate: Dec. 6, 2008
SNL Sportsplex entry No. 39

Countdown to Michael Phelps' SNL splashdown

Hey, this weekend the 34th season of "Saturday Night Live" premieres with Michael Phelps on the starting block.

If the man who won eight gold medals in Beijing can help score at least eight solid belly laughs through the night then I'll consider it a world-class effort.

Here's his competition for Greatest SNL Water Sports Sketch Ever:

[] "Synchronized Swimmers" ... Original airdate: Oct. 6, 1984.

OK, this is technically a short film, not a live sketch. But I consider this one of the great underrated comedy moments in "SNL" history.

Harry Shearer and Martin Short star as Gerald and Lawrence, two brothers who are chasing the dream of competing in the Olympics as synchronized swimmers.

Christopher Guest, in a role that presages his turn as the community theater director Corky St. Claire in "Waiting for Guffman", is their trainer:

"1, 2, 3, 4, here it goes. This is like a mirror between you, and then he goes this way, and then let's say you were to point at each other. You're doing the same thing, aren't you? No, you're not angry at him..."

[] "Swimming Instructor" ... Original airdate: Oct. 21, 2006

OK, it's possible that Phelps could star in a swimming bit  that's funnier than this sketch ... but I hope he won't be in a sketch that's as uncomfortably raunchy as this sketch. We're talking full pushing of the network limits, folks.

John C. Reilly is Doug Frangelo, who teaches Will Forte a thing or two about how to get in the water.

P.S. If anyone tries to teach you how to get in the water in this manner, contact your local authorities IMMEDIATELY.

SNL Sportsplex entry No. 38

Mr. Bill gets in shape with his dough

Summertime means we get lots of entertainment options from the biggest  "Saturday Night Live" alums ... why, Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy and Will Ferrell have movies coming out soon ...

But one of "SNL's" smallest stars is proving he has staying power, too.

"Mr. Bill," that clay-based life form who since 1976 has taken a lickin' and kept on getting getting pulverized, is the star of a new "MasterCard: Priceless" debit card commercial.

Click here to view the ad.

"Oh, Nooooooooooooooo!!!!" you say in that high-pitched Mr. Bill squeal. "Is every '70s icon selling out these days?"

Actually, through the years, Mr. Bill has appeared in commercials for Burger King, Ramada Inn, Pringles,  Lexus, and Subway (as recently as January), according to this New York Times profile on the squishable one.

The rights to Mr. Bill are still owned by its creator, one Walter Williams of New Orleans. He uses the profits of Mr. Bill's further adventures to support his charitable works, such as public service announcements for hurricane protection.

"Mr. Bill" appeared throughout the first five years of "SNL's" golden age. Mr. Williams has his own Mr. Bill Web site, and you can buy Best-Of Mr. Bill DVDs ("Mr. Bill's Disasterpiece Theater" ... nice ...), but I can't find a comprehensive list of all Mr. Bill's "SNL" appearances.

So if you remember his being in any football or baseball sketches, let me know. Otherwise, Mr. Bill is allowed into the SNL Sportsplex by virtue of joining the fitness craze of the 1970s, which bears quite a resemblance to the obesity epidemic of the 2000s. (Embedding for that video is turned off, so click on a video of the sketch here).

Original airdate: Feb. 24, 1979
SNL Sportsplex entry No. 37

Is Willie Randolph still managing the Mets?

It appears the Mets' skipper is still the man in charge after a two-hour meeting with the higher-ups ... but let me just say that if Randolph is tabbed as the host for the opening episode of the 2008-09 season of "SNL," I wouldn't bet on him being introduced as the Mets manager.

As I type this, the Mets are 23-26, fourth place in the NL East. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the problems that cause last season's historic collapse from playoff contention were things that weren't going to be fixed in one off-season. Or in this case, in one manager's tenure.

Speaking of that historic 2007 collapse, here is a snippet from "Weekend Update" where Randolph and Mets G.M. Omar Minaya answer -- or, uh, try to answer -- some questions about what went wrong. Kudos to Keenan Thompson for filling out the uniform and Fred Armisan for letting that wig sit on top of his skull for that long.

The one good thing I can say about this one-joke exchange is that at least they had the good taste to pull the plug on it early, and not try to fill it out into a six-minute sketch. Though I can envision Dan Aykroyd pulling off the Minaya part of this equation back in the day.

Original airdate: Oct. 6, 2007
SNL Sportsplex entry No. 36

SNL Sportsplex plays in the political arena too

There's no doubt that the NBA scored a home run ... no, wait, a slam dunk ... with its "There Can Be Only One" promo campaign. You know, where two NBA superstars recite the same championship aspirations, and it's shown to us via a split screen:

Well, "SNL's" masterful political machine paid a visit to the Sportsplex to crib that format for its latest Obama vs. Hillary face-off.

The 2008 NBA playoffs has been all about home court advantage. Are Superdelegates allowed to award free-throws?

Original airdate: May 17, 2008
SNL Sportsplex entry No. 35

Maybe Michael Jordan can be serenaded back

If you haven't seen it yet, this is Nike's newest, magical, goose-pimply installment of inspirational Michael Jordan commercials:

Yes, all these years after his various retirements, MJ is still the surest, most popular pitchman the NBA has to offer.

Flashback to MJ's mind-boggling first retirement in 1993. It sent shock waves through the culture to the point that "SNL" devoted its cold opening to the idea that rock stars should put together a benefit song to woo MJ back.

The "Rock for Michael" lineup included Kevin Nealon as James Taylor ... David Spade as Soul Asylum's David Pirner ... Mike Myers and Norm MacDonald as The Proclaimers ... Tim Meadows as Snoop Dogg and Ellen Cleghorne as Dr. Dre ... Adam Sandler as Eddie Vedder ... Rob Schneider, Julia Sweeney and Melanie Hutsell as The B-52s ... Chris Farley as Meat Loaf ... and Steve Tyler and Joe Perry as themselves (Aersosmith was the musical guest that night).

(I should have warned you this would be a embarrassingly '90s pop music lineup.)

Click here for the full lyric parodies ... my faves include:

JAMES TAYLOR: [ to "Fire And Rain" ]
"I've seen Magic, and I've seen Bird
I saw Kareem retire, but I never said a word.
But I always thought I'd see you play one more time again."

THE PROCLAIMERS: [to "500 Miles (I'm Gonna Be)"]
"I've seen you score 500 points
I want to see you score 500 more.
Just to be the man who could say he saw a man
Score 1,000 points on the basketball floor."

MEAT LOAF: [to "Paradise By The Dashboard Light"]
"Michael, sleep on it!
Michael, baby, won't you sleep on it?
Won't you sleep on it?
Give us an answer in the morning!"

Original airdate: Oct. 9, 1993
SNL Sportsplex entry No. 33

With the first pick in the Sports Celebrity Draft, 'SNL' selects ...

... Fran Tarkenton. The "SNL Sportsplex" recognizes the former Minnesota Vikings quarterback as the first sports figure to host an episode of "Saturday Night Live."

Here is the cold opening of that show ... and it proves my theory that the key to physical comedy is the ability to humorously control the calesthenics of one's eyebrows ... thank you, Coach Belushi!

Coach Belushi's team prayer: "Dear Lord: Please give us the zaniness and courage these men need to make America laugh ... because America is the funniest nation in the world."

Later that night comes this in-game sketch ... where Dan Aykroyd sustains an injury that presages his classic Julia Child sketch by almost two years.

Interesting: The Julia Child sketch and the Phil Hartman All-Drug Olympics number show that if you're going to do a severed limb bit, there better be torrents of fake blood gushing.

Bonus sketch: Tarkenton hawks a breakfast cereal full of Sugar-Coated Anabolic Steroids.

Bonus reference: In the classic "Jeopardy 1999" sketch that aired more than a year earlier on Oct. 23, 1976, the question to the asnwer "First Man Cloned" was "Fran Tarkenton."

Original airdate: Jan. 29, 1977
SNL Sportsplex No. 32

The Spanking of Shaquille O'Neal

Before Shaquille O'Neal and his new Phoenix Suns teammates are spanked and swept out of the first round of the NBA playoffs by San Antonio, let's review some Shaq appearances on "SNL."

Although the Big Commedian never hosted an entire episode, the night when Kelsey Grammar hosted (with Sheryl Crowe as musical guest), Diesel made cameo appearances in two sketches.

In "Bernard", Shaq plays a young man who comes home past curfew ... only to be confronted with a whuppin' from his undersized Daddy (played by Tracy Morgan).

Later that episode, Shaq visits the set of the A.M. news program "Morning Latte."

Original airdate: Oct. 2, 1998

Tracy Morgan would later play the Shaqman in a sketch called "A Message from Shaquille O'Neal."

Original airdate: May 12, 2001

And here's a random Shaq throwaway refernce that popped up on a Google search. It's from a Chris Matthews "Hardball" takeoff. Darrell Hammond plays Matthews, of course, but John Ashcroft is played by ... John McCain!?! Yes:

Ashcroft: "We’ve gone back into 10 years of old files to track down terrorist sleeper agents! Foremost amongst them: Shaquille O'Neal."

Matthews: [ chuckling ] "Shaquille O'Neal! Are you serious!"

Ashcroft: "Yes! We learned that he was in a Middle Eastern-flavored movie, entitled "Kazaam!" I watched this film last week, and from what I can gather, it is some kind of terrorist training video!"

Matthews: "How about it, Rebecca DeWitt? Should we be throwing genie-portrayed basketball players in jail?"

Original airdate:  Oct. 19, 2002

Once Shaq does retire from the NBA, I think Lorne Michaels and company should make it a priority to entice Shaq into becoming a regular guest host, along the lines of what Alec Baldwin does. Shaq's a natural, good-natured ham, they should make the most of that.

But at least he never showed up to work the Xerox in a Rob Schneider "Makin' Copies" sketch:

"The Shaq-Fu! Shaqster! Shaq-a-laq-a ding-dong! Makin' copies! Shaqorama ..." Whew!

SNL Sportsplex entry No. 31

Bocephus presents: Saturday Night Live vs. Monday Night Football

I don't think there's been an "SNL" sketch yet that thoroughly mocked the NFL Draft. But here are two instances where the show took on "Monday Night Football."

Keep in mind, ever since ESPN took over "Monday Night Football," the production values have slipped to where the third quarter celebrity interview in the booth is more painful to watch than the worst 10-minutes-to-1-a.m. sketch on "SNL."

[] This sketch skewers the Al Michaels-Dan Fouts-Dennis Miller-era pregame intro. Though in this case it's Darrell Hammond-Will Ferrell-Jimmy Fallon. And Tracy Morgan as Eric Dickerson on the sidelines. And Maya Rudolph as Melissa Stark on the sideline, who doesn't think she's being taken seriously because she's a woman:

Melissa: "Hi Al. Viking tackle Tony Williams may not play due to a groin injury. I don't know firsthand what that feels like, Al, but you probably don't understand the pain of childbirth either, Al. You know, Al, I know it's awkward for you to be working with a woman, but I wish you'd say hi to me in the hallway sometimes. Hopefully in time, Al, you won't see me as a threat, but as a colleague, who knows her football."

Original airdate: Oct. 7, 2000

[] The only question more important than "Are you ready for some football?" is, "What's it like to watch Hank Williams Jr. sing those "Monday Night Football" theme song announcements?

Hank Jr.: [ singing ] "'All my rowdy friends are comin' over tonight!' Ha ha ha!"

Technician: "We haven't started recording yet, so ... don't do that."

In this sketch, Chris Farley channels Bocephus ... with a heart-warming moral, to boot:

"Remember: No matter how dirtbaggy anyone seems ... underneath it all, they've still got a heart. I should know. I'm Bocephus."

The sad part is that Farley died less than two months after returning to host that episode. The Bocephus in all of us still weeps for that.

Original airdate: Oct. 25, 1997
SNL Sportsplex entry No. 30

Glad I didn't find this March Madness cure until April

Here is a fake "SNL" ad starring Amy Poehler for a drug that successfully cancels the annual impulse in men known as Basketball Jones.

The most insidious part?

"And it comes in the form of a bag of chips, so he'll never know he's taking it!"

Yikes!

Original airdate: March 19, 2005
SNL Sportsplex entry No. 29