The Sports Guesspert

DARKMANE UNMASKED!!!

Huzzah! At last ... my quest to discover the voice of ESPN's XGames supervillain Darkmane has been fulfilled!

A source deep within the Wordwide Leader has alerted me thustly:

"His name is John Gemberling.  He was the actor in the spots, and the v/o."

VICTORY AT LAST! The answer to the inquiry -- "Who is Darkmane?" -- is revealed! But now the next question:

Who the facemask is John Gemberling?

His IMDB page reveals no credits I am familiar with, other than a brush with the "Upright Citizens Brigade" improv troop. In fact, his UCB page seems to be the best clearinghouse of his work to date (tho no mention of Darkmane! Boy, he sure is taking this secret identity stuff seriously.)

Otherwise, his show "Fat Guy Stuck in Internet" sounds promising.

And indeed, he is the title role of the show that's part of Cartoon Network's Adult Swim. (The Adult Swim "F.G.S.I.I." site is here ... or get up to speed via its Wikipedia description.)

Here's a clip I found on the YouTubery ... despite the fact that I have only one pass-along source that Mr. Gemberling is Darkmane, I think the laugh gives it away that we've got our man(e):

And, oh well, so much for our celeb theories. No Brian Doyle-Murray, no Curtis Armstrong, no Patton Oswalt, no (my favorite random guess) Richard Dreyfuss. But that's a good thing. Competition keeps comedy minds on their toes. Please take a minute to process the visual image of brains with toes.

I'll leave you with my favorite Darkmane clip ... one where he seems to be experiencing some technical difficulties ...

My latest obsession: Who is ESPN's Darkmane?

UPDATE! See who I think is Darkmane's secret identity at this blog post.

Well, well, well ... it's seems I'm not the only sports geek to be irked by ESPN XGames pitchvillain "Darkmane."

In the wake of my Guesspert column from Saturday's paper, The Big Lead took some swipes at the campaign. I understand the anger generated by a commercial that seems to air during every frickin' break in the action on the Worldwide Leader.

Personally, I think it's in the category of so-annoying-that-it's-amusing. Besides, once the XGames are over, it's not like we're going to have it thrown in our face ever again. These ESPN campaigns come and go like summer fireflies.

If you're not completely familiar with this Dorkus of Darkness, check out Darkmane's MySpace page. For the latest Darkmane video clip adventures leading up to XGames 14, check out what's posted on Darkmane TV on the YouTube channel FoilTheXGames.

But the debate continues: Who provides the voice? My candidates:

[] Gilbert Gottfried

[] Jack Black

[] One of the Big Lead posters suggests Curtis Armstrong, aka Booger from the "Revenge of the Nerds" movies.

[] Patton Oswalt

[] I say Brian Doyle-Murray.

... unless of course, it's not a celebrity voice, and just some jerk who works the soundboard for the video crew who filmed this.

If we don't find an answer soon, I'm going to really start pestering my ESPN sources. Stay tuned.

You know what would be funny? A Darkmane vs. Orville Hardy comic book. Anyone know how to draw superheroes?

Dan Marino vs. Larry the Cable Guy (guest starring Will Ferrell as Elton John)

OK, we know that Larry the Cable Guy's favorite college football team is the Nebraska Cornhuskers ... but is his favorite NFL team the Miami Dolphins?

That I don't know ... but I did catch this cringe-a-riffic Nutrisystem commercial on ESPN today.

It's a face-off of Dan vs. Dan (Marino vs. Whitney, LTCG's real name) bragging about how there's now more than 70 pounds less of them to love since committing to this diet.

Hmmm ... do you think the food company is trying to attract ex-jocks or connoisseurs of blue-collar comedy?

Considering Marino's costume change midway through the ad, the answer is pretty obvious. Hey, maybe they can get together for a public service announcement to urge people to quit their chaw habit.

Wondering: How many bags of money are they throwing at Marino to match wits with the Installation Guru? Or maybe Dan-O just misses his days on the set of "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective."

The best part: A Dan Marino reference gives us this excuse to post this non-SNL Sportsplex bit from Will Ferrell.

Thank you to our good friend Darrin Moreman, contributing from the Guesspert's Honolulu bureau, for bringing the piano tuning to our attention.

My Enemies, My Allies: Week 5

What a horrible run I'm on. I'm on a three-game losing streak in my LaDainian Tomlinson League, and am 0-5 in my Shaun Alexander League (though I should probably come up with a new designation for that team, since I traded Mr. Alexander earlier this week).

My Enemies

1. Shaun Alexander/Terry Glenn/Doug Grabiel/My League's Trading Bylaws. Earlier this week, I traded the broken-footed Shaun Alexander for the sure-handed Terry Glenn. Only problem was, as of 11 p.m. Saturday, that trade hadn't gone through, and I wouldn't be in a position to update my roster again before Sunday kickoffs. In a desperate scramble, I made an emergency free agent acquisition of Doug Grabiel. Mr. Grabiel ends up with 7 receiving yards, Mr. Glenn has 61 receiving yards. I lost that week's game by 1 point. Having Mr. Glenn in the starting lineup would have given me the win. Grrrr ...

2. Jacksonville defense (SA League). They shut out the Jets for my opponent, recording six sacks and three INTs, and they evidently blocked something.  After Monday night's game was over, they were good for 30 points, and my opponent and I were in a tie. A day later, they were awarded an extra point for something else, now I'm a loser. Grrrrr ...!

3. Everyone on my LaDainian Tomlinson team, except for maybe Drew Brees. With 10 points, Brees was my only player to score in double figures. Then there was LT (6) DeAngelo Williams (0), Mike Furrey (4), Steve Smith (6), Desmond Clark (1), Rian Lindell (1) and the Ravens defense (6). I realize not every player is going to score double digits every week. But my point total of 34 was so pathetic, I at first thought I had neglected to set a correct lineup.

My Allies (all in SA League)

1. Rex Grossman. 182 yards, 2 TDs, no picks. Good boy.

2. Robbie Gould. Four long distance FGs (42, 43, 32, 41 yards) and 4-for-4 PATs. Money!

3. Deuce McAllister. 123 yards rushing and a touchdown. Viva la Saints!

My Enemies, My Allies: Week 4

This is my second week of going 0-2 with both my teams (one I refer to as my LaDainian Tomlinson League, the other my Shaun Alexander League ... though that second team designation may have to be changed soon). I'll start this time by accentuating my few positives:

My Allies

1. Julius Jones (SA League). With Shaun Alexander out of action, J.J. proved he wanted the rock. Rushed for 122 yards and a touchdown. Of course, that was against the no-so-Titans -- now prove you can do this against the Eagles!

2. Steve Smith (LT League). Still yet to post a monster game, but 87 receiving yards and a touchdown make for great warm-up numbers in the meantime.

3. Robbie Gould (SA League). Ahh, to have an accurate kicker on a team that wants to run up the score. Three field goals (36, 20,41) and perfect on four PATs. Light a cigar, Robbie, you're OK in our book.

My Enemies

1. Atlanta Falcons defense (LT League). My opponent earned 20 points from this defense. First of all, this defense has no business picking off Kurt Warner twice, taking one of those picks back for a touchdown, recording four sacks, recovering two fumbles and holding the supposed high-powered offense to 10 points. Second of all --- who  thinks to start the Falcons defense unless its out of desperation! Ooh, I'm burnin' over this one.

2. Marc Bulger (SA League). As I've mentioned before, I brought this one on myself. I had him a few weeks ago, then dropped him. Someone else picked him up, then rocked me this week for 328 passing yards, three passing touchdowns -- AND a converted 2-point attempt! Comeuppance, thy name is Bulger.

3. Donte Stallworth (LT League). This is two weeks in a row I was burned by Donte ... oh, it would be too cruel to call him Stallworthless, but that's how I'm feeling until he's 100 percent from that hamstring. Last week, he was a last-minute scratch in San Francisco, and I got 0 points from him. This week, I got into the Monday Night game tied with my opponent. I have Donte outstanding, he has Brett Favre and Brian Westbrook in the mix. Turns out, Westrbook is never in the mix at all, and Brett Favre has a lousy outing with 205 yards, two interceptions and a fumble. So what do I get out of a suited-up Donte Stallworth? One catch for 26 yards. I lose the week by three points. OK, obviously, there were plenty of other opportunities from which I could have made up points (don't even ask me about my bench choices). But Donte could have been the hero. Instead, Brett Favre and the Packer make goat cheese out of me.

My Enemies, My Allies: Week 3

Brutal, brutal week for the Guesspert rosters.

With the Chargers on a bye week, my LaDainian Tomlinson team got beat by 32 points ... and that's with a 21-point effort by T.J. Houshmandzadeh on my bench. But you mathletes out there will figure out that I'd still have lost by 11 points.

Meanwhile, in my Shaun Alexander league, I lost by 4 points ... with 25 points worth of Javon Walker on my bench. Aye, yuy, yuy.

My Enemies:
1. Chad Johnson (SA league). Of course, with only 11 yards receiving against the Steelers, I could have survived Javon riding the pine had Mr. Golden Mohawk put his hands where his mouth is.

2. Donte Stallworth (LT league). Donovan McNabb's No. 1 target was listed as probable for the trip to San Francisco, but then was a game day scratch due to his hammy. (The reason why Housh was on my bench was because I thought he was still hurt, but that Donte would be OK. Double grrr!)

3. Tom Brady (LT league). In a Sunday night game where everyone complained that the Patriots were lethargic, Mr. Clutch still winged it for 320 yards and a touchdown. What is this guy, a wind-up toy?

My Allies:
1. Steve Smith (LT league). I felt like throwing a "Welcome Back" party and buying a cake after the Panthers' No. 1 receiver came back strong against the Bucs for 112 yards.

2. Robbie Gould (SA league). Picking up the Chicago kicker as a free agent was everything I hoped for. Namely, four FGs (two longer than 40 yards!) and an extra point.

3. Kellen Winslow (SA league). Another free agent pick-up, I'm hoping the Cleveland brain trust will each week keep in the range of the 92 receiving yards he piled up in his first week on my roster.

My Enemies, My Allies: Week 2

Welcome back to my weekly look at the NFL players who helped me and hindered me on my path to fantasy football excellence.

Now, the terms "enemies" and "allies" don't have to correspond to whether a player is on my team or my opponent's team. One of my players who doesn't perform can be an "enemy," while an opponent's player who whiffs could be my ally.

I differentiate my two main fantasy teams by the fact that one is anchored by LaDainian Tomlinson, while the other is anchored by Shaun Alexander. I'll use their initials to denote which league these actions fall under.

On to the MEMA lists!

My Enemies: Week 2

1. Donovan McNabb, QB, Philadelphia (SA league). He may have choked away his actual game, but he buried me as the starting QB on the roster of my opponent. He throws for 350 yards, 2 TDs and 31 rushing yards. Will  he be able to keep this up all season?

2. Miami defense (SA league). So much for the tropical heat of home field advantage. The J.P. Losman and the Bills offense (I repeat: J.P. Losman and the Bills offense) shredded the fish and made me look like a fool for starting them over the Eagles defense. Can you say time to hit the waiver wire?

3. Michael Jenkins and Ashley Leley, WRs, Atlanta (LT league). Sure Warrick Dunn and Michael Vick are tearing things up on the ground for the Falcons. But the air attack is suffering in a big way. I have these two gentlemen taking up space on my roster while Steve Smith and T.J. Houshmandzadeh heal up ... but the men in red and black combined to generate 36 receiving yards.

My Allies: Week 2

1. Drew Bledsoe, QB, Dallas (LT league). An evening of 237 passing yards and two touchdowns make for a respectable total ... especially when there are no pesky turnovers to deduct points.

2. Armani Toomer, WR, N.Y. Giants (LT league). With his 137 yards receiving and two touchdowns (most of it generated during the gravy period known as overtime), he would have been an enemy ... had my opponent started him. Instead, he sat on the bench while Giants teammate Jeremy Shockey got a starting nod ... and generated 17 receiving yards.

3. Nate Kaeding, K, San Diego (LT league). Have you hugged your kicker today? When he converts four field goals and four extra points, that answer should be "Yes."

My Enemies, My Allies: Week1

Welcome to the inaugural edition of "My Enemies, My Allies" ... a weekly look at the NFL players who helped me and hindered me on my path to fantasy football excellence.

Here's the thing you have to remember about the MEMA list: The terms "enemies" and "allies" don't have to correspond to whether a player is on my team or my opponent's team. One of my players who doesn't perform can be an "enemy," while an opponent's player who whiffs could be my ally.

I differentiate my two main fantasy teams by the fact that one is anchored by LaDainian Tomlinson, while the other is anchored by Shaun Alexander. I'll use their initials to denote which league these actions fall under.

Got it? Good. Here we go!

My Enemies: Week 1

1. Jeff Wilkins, K, St. Louis Rams (SA League) When is a kicker worth 22 points? When he converts six field goals, two of them from beyond 45 yards (a 48-yarder and a 52-yarder). This dovetails with:

2. Sebastian Janikowski, K, Oakland Raiders (SA League) The whole point of claiming a kicker from a lousy team is that you're supposed to get more field goals out of him, because the bad team will never crack the end zone. Sea-bass never even made an attempt in the silver and black's manhandling by the Chargers. Sheesh!

3. My wide receiver corps of Steve Smith, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Ashley Lelie and Heath Miller (LT League) Because of injuries, my first two WR draft picks did not play in Week 1, and thus counted for zero points. Lelie caught one pass for five yards -- again, zero points. Heath Miller, he of a once-in-a-lifetime 87-yard TD reception, was on my bench Thursday night, because I didn't realize he'd need to be called into action. One stud receiver, one quality No. 2 receiver, one quality tight end and one gamble equaled zero points. Nightmare!

My Allies: Week 1

1. Donte Stallworth, WR, Eagles (LT League) The newest edition to the Eagles receiving corps picked up most of the slack of that goose egg by hauling in 141 receiving yards, including a 42-yard TD. Does he look great in green and white, or what?

2. L.T. (LT League) The main man in Monday night's ESPN double feature had 100 yards rushing and a TD by halftime. Of the three presumed elite running backs in every mock draft, L.T. had the best overall numbers out of the gate.

3. Ravens defense (LT League) Pitched a shutout on the road, ran back a 60-yard touchdown, had three sacks and three interceptions. I don't really mind that they were on my bench. After all, I drafted them in the 14th round. Methinks they get promoted to a start against Oakland this week. Hey, they earned it.