The Sports Guesspert

Dig deep through the stats in the final NFL Power Rankings of 2008!

For your NFL Fantasy Draft in August, I'll bet you had to dig through a lot of preseason magazines to try to guess which players would pay off for you in 2008.

Well ... ta-da! Finally, compiled in one handy-dandy NFL Power Ranking, you'll find valuable fantasy stats that would have been invaluable had you had them at your finger tips when it was your turn to pick. Oh well, better late than never.

P.S. If you can come up with a funny caption for this Peyton Manning picture, I'd love to hear it. Right now, it's awfully late for me to think of anything funny. Besides, my power rankings duties are done for now. Overtime will cost you extra.

But let me close out by saluting Atlanta running back Michael Turner. No, he's not the MVP of one of my leagues. I wish! No, he was the Kryptonite that kept me from winning one of my fantasy leagues. I ended up with the No. 1 record in the regular season. But three times I went up against the guy who had Turner. Three times I lost. Worst was the loss in the semifinal of our playoffs. Buh-bye, payday.

Turner, if I land you next year, you better help me out as much as you killed me this year! It's a date!

Now, on to the stats!

WEEK 17: FANTASY STUDS EDITION

1. (NC) TENNESSEE TITANS: RB Chris Johnson ran for 1,228 yards, 9 TDs. No wonder Jeff Fisher wasn't worried about early season QB shuffle.

2. (+2) NEW YORK GIANTS: Tom Coughlin would be happier if he had Brandon Jacobs on his fantasy team: 1,089 yards, 15 TDs.

 

3. (+2) INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: Although offense rarely got galloping, WR Reggie Wayne saddled up solid numbers (1,130 yards, 6 TDs).

 

4. (-2) PITTSBURGH STEELERS: Still a hit maker: WR Hines Ward still punched way to 973 yards, 7 TDs.

 5. (+4) ATLANTA FALCONS: With 1,491 yards and 16 TDs, RB Michael Turner is best thing to hit Atlanta since sliced Coca-Cola.

 

6. (+1) BALTIMORE RAVENS: Purple defense is gold standard for disruption: 33 sacks, 24 INTs, 6 defensive TDs.

 

7. (-4) CAROLINA PANTHERS: DeAngelo Williams rushed for 18 TDs on the season. It felt like he ran for 18 TDs per game.

8. (-2) NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Tom who? QB Matt Cassel stepped up for 21 TDs and six games of over 250 yards -- two of 400 or better.

9. (-1) MINNESOTA VIKINGS: RB Adrian Peterson led league with 1,657 yards traveling. Ended in end zone 9 times, but fumbles rerouted him 8 times.

 

10. (+1) MIAMI DOLPHINS: Don't call it a gimmick: Wildcat formation helped RB Ronnie Brown to 859 yards, 10 TDs.

 

11. (+3) CHICAGO BEARS: Rookie Matt Forte was one-man show: 1,188 yards rushing, 8 TDs, 452 yards receiving, 4 TDs.

12. (NC) ARIZONA CARDINALS: QB Kurt Warner: 4,320 yards, 26 TDs, 13 INTs. Even Moses didn't do that well in the desert.

 

13. (-3) DALLAS COWBOYS: T.O. just glad he did better than Jason Witten (949 yards, 10 TDs vs. 902 yards, 4 TDs).

14. (NC) PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: Team would be tied in knots without Brian Westbrook (886 yards rushing, 9 TDs, 390 yards receiving, 5 TDs).

15. (NC) NEW YORK JETS: Favre rallied NYC with 3,239 yards, 21 TDs. That's good! But 19 INTs led the league. That's bad.

16. (NC) TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: After drydocked 2007 season, WR Antonio Bryant made splash in '08 with 1,171 yards, 7 TDs.

17. (NC) DENVER BRONCOS: QB Jay Cutler dazzled with 4,210 yards, 24 TDs -- but 16 INTs are too much, even for AFC West.

18. (NC) SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: Now we can only dream of years when L.T. could pile up 1,014 yards, 8 TDs in his sleep.

19. (+1) NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: QB Drew Brees: 4,683 yards, 30 TDs. But won't get into playoffs, or beat Marino's record.

20. (+1) WASHINGTON REDSKINS: Don't call this D.C. star a lame duck: RB Clinton Portis had 1,407 yards, 8 TDs.

21. (+1) SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: Frank Gore's 978 yards, 6 TDs might not have knocked his coach's socks off.

22. (+1) BUFFALO BILLS: RB Marshawn Lynch would have done better than 1,036 yards, 8 TDs if coaches used him effectively.

 

23. (-4) HOUSTON TEXANS: Team is running to brighter future, thanks to rookie Steve Slaton's 1,190 yards rushing, 8 TDs.

24. (NC) GREEN BAY PACKERS: WR Greg Jennings didn't suffer in QB switch (1,191 yards, 9 TDs).

 

25. (+2) CINCINNATI BENGALS: What's the Spanish word for T.J. Houshmandzadeh? (904 yards, 4 TDs).

26. (NC) JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: Leading receiver Matt Jones was a bust on-field (761 yards, 2 TDs) and off.

 

27. (+2) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: Team's leading receiver was Notre Dame rookie TE John Carlson (613 yards, 5 TDs). 'Nuff said.

28. (+2) OAKLAND RAIDERS: If you knew Zach Miller was team's leading receiver (744 yards, 1 TD), you win free Raiders mascot eye patch.

 

29. (-4) CLEVELAND BROWNS: With 908 yards, 4 TDs, RB Jamal Lewis had to run past multiple QB debacles.

 

30. (-2) KANSAS CITY CHIEFS: When in doubt, tap Tony Gonzalez as your TE (1,005 yards, 9 TDs).

31. (NC) ST. LOUIS RAMS: With 881 yards and 5 TDs, hope you didn't use first-round draft pick on RB Steven Jackson.

32. (NC) DETROIT LIONS: Don't blame 0-15 on WR Calvin Johnson (1,229 yards, 10 TDs).
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AP CAPTIONS: Camera operator Dan Moen shovels snow out of the way before the NFL football game between the Seattle Seahawks and New York Jets Sunday, Dec. 21, 2008, in Seattle. The wintry storm that blustered into Washington state Saturday night left several inches or more of snow throughout the region, and more snow and high winds were expected to last into Sunday. (AP Photo/Elaine Thompson)

In this Oct. 27, 2008 file photo, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning (18) calls a play against the Tennessee Titans in the first quarter of an NFL football game in Nashville, Tenn., Monday, Oct. 27, 2008. The Colts never doubted Manning would revert to his old form this season. Manning's second-half performance has turned the Colts into the league's hottest team entering the playoffs. (AP Photo/Bill Waugh, File)

Minnesota Vikings linebacker Chad Greenway (52) tackles Atlanta Falcons running back Michael Turner(33) with help from teammates Napoleon Harris (99) and Ray Edwards (91) on a first-quarter gain during an NFL football game in Minneapolis, Sunday, Dec. 21, 2008. (AP Photo/Ann Heisenfelt)

This is not a test! It's the Pass/Fail Edition of the NFL Power Rankings!

In the final two weeks of the season, NFL quarterbacks don't just take to a gladiator's arena of combat -- they get put to the test of whether they can pass the test of passing their teams into the playoffs. Now let me ask you -- Did I fail to put enough "passing" cliches in there.

Time's up! Put down your No. 2 pencils and see if your favorite team made the grade now that we're at ...

WEEK 16: PASS/FAIL EDITION

1. (NC) TENNESSEE TITANS: Don't make Vince Young relive nightmare of those pass/fail Wonderlic rumors.

2. (NC) PITTSBURGH STEELERS: Santonio Holmes has to worry about refs passing or failing their eye exams.

3. (+1) CAROLINA PANTHERS: Steve Smith loves when defenses fail to account for him against Carolina's ground attack.

4. (-1) NEW YORK GIANTS: Front office will try not to fail in accounting for everyone's firearm licenses.

5. (NC) INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: Peyton Manning knows Dallas Clark won't fail to make his safety valve passes look good.

6. (+2) NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Would Matt Cassel pass a popularity contest to be retained over Tom Brady?

7. (-1) BALTIMORE RAVENS: Defense fails to see reason why opposing offenses should leave the field without pain.

8. (+1) MINNESOTA VIKINGS: It's nice when a judge can play with the rules for failing banned substances tests.

9. (+1) ATLANTA FALCONS: Michael Turner passes as many rushing tests at Matt Ryan passes passing tests.

10. (+3) DALLAS COWBOYS: Evidently, Tony Romo and Jason Witten write different passing tests for themselves.

11. (NC) MIAMI DOLPHINS: Chad Pennington is winning, but wondering why he's failing to win QB beauty contests.

12. (NC) ARIZONA CARDINALS: Odds are good that Kurt Warner will fail to light up passing game in frosty Foxborough.

13. (+2) PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: McNabb can't fail to realize that making playoffs is as simple as pass/fail.

14 (+2) CHICAGO BEARS: For Bears QBs, passing tests are graded on a huge curve.

15. (NC) NEW YORK JETS: Professor Favre is writing a new textbook on passing game resurgences.

16. (-9) TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: On S.S. Gruden, failing to make playoffs would be one big sinking feeling.

17. (-3) DENVER BRONCOS: Jay Cutler and company haven't quite passed all the other failing AFC West teams.

18. (+4) SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: Would love to hear Norv Turner's reasons why this team fails to be above .500

19. (NC) HOUSTON TEXANS: Still alive for season's second non-failing record ever.

20. (-2) NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: Drew Brees has failed to keep up pace to break Marino's passing record.

21. (-1) WASHINGTON REDSKINS: Dan Snyder may set record for most money spent on failing glory.

22. (-1) SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: Mike Singletary getting passing grade on rescuing failed season.

23. (+1) BUFFALO BILLS: Almost finished with grabbing failure after their early passing success.

24. (-1) GREEN BAY PACKERS: Aaron Rodgers failed to make fans forget times when Favre failed to get them in playoffs.

25. (NC) CLEVELAND BROWNS: After finishing 10-7, they thought they'd be passing into elite company; instead they failed flat on face.

26. (NC) JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: Mark one more year of passing the buck to nonexistent receiving corps for failing to generate anything.

27. (+4) CINCINNATI BENGALS: Ocho Cinco is overseeing a massive failure to communicate.

28. (-1) KANSAS CITY CHIEFS: Someone tell Herm Edwards that the term "fail-safe" doesn't mean it's safe to fail.

29. (NC) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: Fans hoping coach Holmgren fails to follow-up on urge to remain in charge.

30. (NC) OAKLAND RAIDERS: Al Davis fails to sell many copies of new book he wrote: "Franchise Crashing for Dummies."

31. (-3) ST. LOUIS RAMS: Could have used cheat sheet to avoid failing this much.

32. (NC) DETROIT LIONS: No way they can fail to earn 0.0 grade point average.
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AP CAPTION: Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo walks down the tunnel to the playing field at Texas Stadium before an NFL football game, Sunday, Dec. 14, 2008, in Irving, Texas. The Cowboys will close out the season with the last game scheduled for the stadium on Saturday, Dec. 20, 2008. (AP Photo)

I just wanna kiss you! It's the Mistletoe Edition of the NFL Power Rankings!

Are you ready for a holiday kiss with your football legends? No, not Joe Montana and some random people dressed up as Kiss (but we will get to them later).

The NFL attracts fans from all walks of life. For instance, some of you will spend the holidays gathered around the fireplace surrounded by friends and family while singing, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." Others of you will be gathered around the featured stage surrounded by Bambi and Tiffini while making it rain.

What we're trying to say is ... if you're underneath the mistletoe ... and you're under the influence of NFL football ... we refuse to be held responsible for the results. On to the Power Rankings!

WEEK 15: MISTLETOE EDITION

1. (+1) TENNESSEE TITANS: Seems like they've had a liplock on the AFC lead the entire season.

2. (+1) PITTSBURGH STEELERS: After being sacked 38 times, Ben Roethlisberger could use some love from his O-line.

3. (-2) NEW YORK GIANTS: Coach Tom Coughlin is full of tough love, whether you like it or not.

4. (+1) CAROLINA PANTHERS: Running back combo marches toward home-field advantage with Southern rallying cry: "Kiss my grits!"

5. (+1) INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: Talk about lack of mistletoe: Peyton is erratic with his missiles, Addai hasn't been on his toes.

6. (+1) BALTIMORE RAVENS: Favorite thing defense likes to do: tear out your heart then show it to you while still beating.

7. (-3) TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: These pirates can still ride into playoffs on wild card Love Boat.

8. (+2) NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Randy Moss' time with Pats is lovefest compared to time in Oakland.

9 .(+2) MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Playoffs would have Minneapolis happier than when Prince released "Kiss."

10. (-2) ATLANTA FALCONS: Falcons fans will never forget rookie Matt Ryan's first time with above-.500 record.

11. (+2) MIAMI DOLPHINS: Playoffs after a 1-15 season? Parcells is the princess who kissed a frog.

12. (+3) ARIZONA CARDINALS: On the road, team melts like a Hershey's Kiss left in the desert.

13. (-4) DALLAS COWBOYS: Do Romo and T.O. need to kiss and make up?

14. (+2) DENVER BRONCOS: AFC West kings are in Mile High City -- excuse them while they kiss the sky.

15. (+2) PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: McNabb rides roller coaster that always loops from kissed to dissed.

16. (+5) CHICAGO BEARS: Fans continue love/hate relationship with Kyle Orton.

17. (-5) NEW YORK JETS: Can't help but salute team that gave us Kissing Suzy Kolber.

18. (NC) NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: Team challenges drug results that say players tested positive for Love Potion No. 9.

19. (+1) HOUSTON TEXANS: Running game comes down to K.I.S.S.S. -- Keep It Simple, Steve Slaton.

20. (-6) WASHINGTON REDSKINS: Clinton Portis had to reverse field quickly to kiss up to Coach Zorn.

21. (+2) SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: No kissing Mike Singletary unless we know his belt is on tight.

22. (+3) SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: Were supposed to embrace Lombardi Trophy: instead, it's a peck on the cheek of loserdom.

23. (-4) GREEN BAY PACKERS: Can't help it that their displays of affection are so cheesy.

24. (-2) BUFFALO BILLS: Shhh! Don't tell Buffalo citizens about that fling with Toronto.

25. (-1) CLEVELAND BROWNS: We're not kissing Kellen Winslow until we're 100 percent sure what he was in the hospital for in October.

26. (NC) JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: With Fred Taylor out rest of season, Jags can kiss their potential Hall of Famer goodbye for good.

27. (NC) KANSAS CITY CHIEFS: Herm Edwards has been too busy kissing the boo-boos of all his QBs.

28. (NC) ST. LOUIS RAMS: Team might have been better off if they'd dressed in Kiss makeup all season.

29. (NC) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: Avoid Holmgren under the mistletoe, because you know that mustache has got to tickle.

30. (NC) OAKLAND RAIDERS: Maybe Al Davis should consider being a lover, not a fighter.

31. (NC) CINCINNATI BENGALS: Season's highlight: Game against Eagles where they kissed their sister, 13-13.

32. (NC) DETROIT LIONS: Lions fans, assume the position: bend down, and kiss your butt goodbye.
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AP CAPTIONS: Former football star Joe Montana, center, joins brokers in costume as members of the rock band Kiss, Matt Scalaro, right, and Robert Spencer, left, on the trading floor of ICAP, an international broker in financial markets, at the company's offices in Jersey City, N.J., Wednesday, Dec. 10, 2008. Montana and other celebrities joined ICAP brokers, some who dressed in costumes, for the day when all company revenues are to be donated to charities around the world. (AP  Photo/Mike Derer)

Denver Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall kneels down in the end zone to appear to kiss the ground after the Broncos' 24-17 victory over the Kansas City Chiefs in an NFL football game in Denver on Sunday, Dec. 7, 2008. (AP Photo/David Zalubowski)

Welcome to the NFL jungle! It's the Week 14 Guns N' Roses Power Rankings

Yes, it's the edition of the Guesspert NFL Power Rankings that's been nearly two decades and tens of millions of dollars in the making! I'd hire Axl Rose himself to read it, but I'd be afraid that he'd storm off in the middle of it, and leave the drunken lot of you with no other choice but to tear your city apart in a riot.

And if any of you were looking for a reference to the song "I Used to Lover Her," I'm sorry but I had to kill it. There's no way I could make an acceptable reference to that. And I can still hear some of you complain.

WEEK 14: GUNS N' ROSES EDITION

1. (NC) NEW YORK GIANTS: Looks like Plaxico Burress had an appetite for self-destruction.

2. (NC) TENNESSEE TITANS: Not good sign that "Estranged" is only Gn'R song on Vince Young's iPod. Even creepier -- it's ONLY song on his iPod.

3. (NC) PITTSBURGH STEELERS: Which '90s "Slash" had cooler headgear: Guitarist's top hat or Kordell Stewart's helmet?

4. (NC) TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: Jon Gruden is coach most likely to record own version of "Get in the Ring" -- and to punch away if you don't believe him.

5. (+7) CAROLINA PANTHERS: Wonder if Julius Peppers signed up for his free Dr Pepper?

6. (NC) INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: Oddly, Joseph "Live and Let" Addai prefers Gn'R's cover version to McCartney's original.

7. (+1) BALTIMORE RAVENS: Opposing offenses hide and pray for this defense's thunder and rain to quietly pass them by.

8. (+3) ATLANTA FALCONS: Matt Ryan and Michael Turner are so versatile, they'll sing the theme song of the next "Terminator" movie.

9. (+1) DALLAS COWBOYS: Buckethead had more successful stint with Gn'R than Pacman Jones has had with Cowboys.

10. (-3) NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Who has traded away more personnel in his lineups since 1985 -- Axl or Bill Belichick?

11. (+5) MINNESOTA VIKINGS: If coach leads them to the Super Bowl, fans can sing "Sweet Childress O' Mine."

12. (-7) NEW YORK JETS: Hoping Favre won't throw another interception? Ignore advice of "Don't you cry tonight."

13. (+2) MIAMI DOLPHINS: Hope Wildcat Ronnie Brown never runs into wild man Mr. Brownstone.

14. (-5) WASHINGTON REDSKINS: Only way Jason Campbell can lead this team to the playoffs is if you use your delusion.

15. (-2) ARIZONA CARDINALS: Gn'R has keyboardist Dizzy Reed. Playing on the road, Kurt Warner makes too many dizzy reads.

16. (+5) DENVER BRONCOS: Players are forbidden from listening to the song "Dead Horse."

17. (+3) PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: Donovan McNabb didn't realize "Chinese Democracy" had been facing production delays.

18. (-4) NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: Even at 10 wins, this team will be "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" before knockin' on playoffs' door.

19. (-2) GREEN BAY PACKERS: In this town, never watch a Jets game and play "You Could Be Mine" at the same time.

20. (+2) HOUSTON TEXANS: Maybe their backup QB would have more fans if he calls himself Axl Rosenfels.

21. (-3) CHICAGO BEARS: Kyle Orton known to make decisions that are worse than covering a Charles Manson song.

22. (-3) BUFFALO BILLS: If team moved to Toronto, Buffalo fans would riot like Axl just stormed off a concert stage.

23. (+4) SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: If you stare too long at their offensive stats, you'd probably break down and cry.

24. (-1) CLEVELAND BROWNS: Not good when team doctor refers to QBs' ligaments as "The Spaghetti Incident."

25. (-1) SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: If Axl can title a song "Catcher in the Rye," we can let LaDainian copy the nickname L.T.

26. (-1) JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: Tell these cats welcome to the jungle -- of losers.

27. (+4) KANSAS CITY CHIEFS: To see playoffs again, fans will need tons of "Patience" ... yeah, yeah ... [insert whistling melody].

28. (NC) ST. LOUIS RAMS: Take them down to Paradise City, where healthy Trent Green is the starter and his passes are pretty.

29. (NC) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: Five-game losing streak meant team felt lots of November pain.

30. (-4) OAKLAND RAIDERS: Whenever Ken Stabler threw a TD, Al Davis used to do Axl's "Snake" dance.

31. (-1) CINCINNATI BENGALS: Gn'R has guitarist called "Bumblefoot." Cincy defense could be called "Bunglefeet."

32. (NC) DETROIT LIONS: Start waiting -- Axl will release next CD "Detroit Democracy" right after Lions win Super Bowl.
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AP CAPTIONS: A store assistant displays an old Guns N' Roses CD at a music store in Beijing Wednesday, Nov. 26, 2008. A newspaper published by China's ruling Communist Party is blasting the latest Guns N' Roses album, titled "Chinese Democracy", as an attack on the Chinese nation. (AP Photo/Greg Baker)

In this image released by Geffen Records, the latest CD by Guns N' Roses  , "Chinese Democracy," is shown. (AP Photo/Geffen Records)

** FILE ** In this Feb. 4, 2008 file photo, New York Giants' wide receiver Plaxico Burress gestures number one after getting off a team bus at Giants Stadium Stadium in East Rutherford, N.J., as the Giants returned from the Super Bowl in Arizona. Burress was accidentally shot in the leg at a nightclub, it was reported Saturday, Nov. 29, 2008. Sources say the wound was not life threatening and it was not clear at what club the shooting took place. (AP Photo/Rich Schultz, File)

** FILE ** An Aug. 31, 2006 file photo shows Guns N' Roses front man Axl Rose posing backstage at the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards in New York. (AP Photo/Stephen Chernin, File)

It's time to gobble up the Week 13 NFL Power Rankings

All I can say after watching those first two mismatches that were played on Thanksgiving -- the league needs to look into turning the day into a "plus one" format.

I'm sure fans of the Titans and Cowboys -- and people who rang up fantasy points with those squads'  studs -- were happy with the outcomes. But the night game should have featured Tennessee vs. Dallas. Or would that be spoiling this year's Super Bowl matchup?

Whatever ... pass the gravy ... it's time for:

WEEK 13: STUFFING EDITION

1. (+1) NEW YORK GIANTS: When Tom Coughlin is mad, stuffing doesn't want to come out of the turkey.

2. (-1) TENNESSEE TITANS: Had the recipe for the perfect stuffing, but the Jets stole it.

3. (NC) PITTSBURGH STEELERS: Troy Polamalu provides the stuffing; Hines Ward will mash the potatoes.

4. (+1) TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: Warrick Dunn excels at an instant stuffing with an undersized dish.

5. (+2) NEW YORK JETS: If you offer to let Brett Favre make the stuffing, he might make up his mind about it by Christmas.

6. (+3) INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: Peyton Manning and his aerial flight crew are regaining The Right Stuffing.

7. (+3) NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Plymouth Rock residents glad that Matt Cassel is rocking so much stuffing through the air.

8. (+3) BALTIMORE RAVENS: Idea of running against this defense's stuffing is about as appetizing as raw Brussels sprouts.

9. (+6) WASHINGTON REDSKINS: Clinton Portis leads the league in running past everyone's stuffing.

10. (+2) DALLAS COWBOYS: If T.O. doesn't get enough servings of stuffing, Thanksgiving dinner is ruined for everyone.

11. (+3) ATLANTA FALCONS: Centers for Disease Control still won't release test results from stuffing left over from Dirty Bird days.

12. (-8) CAROLINA PANTHERS: Defense has to provide stuffing while QB Delhomme gets kinks in his wing worked out.

13. (-7) ARIZONA CARDINALS: Stuffing is tasting better at home, but doesn't travel well at all.

14. (+4) NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: Drew Brees is on a record pace of stuffing the ball downfield.

15. (-7) MIAMI DOLPHINS: Patriots finally served up the stuffing for that Wildcat formation.

16. (+6) MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Fans keep fingers crossed that Gus Frerotte can pass the stuffing all the way to the playoffs.

17. (NC) GREEN BAY PACKERS: What's better: Cheese stuffed with stuffing or stuffing stuffed with cheese?

18. (+1) CHICAGO BEARS: Meet Abe Froman's new friend: Brian Urlacher, the Stuffing King of Chicago.

19. (+2) BUFFALO BILLS: Fans wondering what Canadian stuffing will taste like.

20. (-4) PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: Donovan McNabb said he didn't know stuffing came from the inside of the turkey.

21. (-8) DENVER BRONCOS: Al Davis is Mike Shanahan's Stuffing Nazi: "No stuffing for you!"

22. (+4) HOUSTON TEXANS: Offense's stuffing could probably use less Sage.

23. (-3) CLEVELAND BROWNS: Fans waited so long for Brady Quinn's stuffing, now won't get any more until next year.

24. (-1) SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: Is anyone surprised that Norv Turner's stuffing comes out dry year after year?

25. (-1) JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: Their stuffing was supposed to be playoff-worthy; instead, season has turned to breadcrumbs.

26. (+5) OAKLAND RAIDERS: Obsession with returning to glory days of '70s stuffing is recipe for disaster.

27. (-2) SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: Mike Singletary gets put in charge of the stuffing, and results are jaw-dropping, pants-dropping.

28. (-1) ST. LOUIS RAMS: Yes, they still make stuffing in St. Louis, but you don't want it.

29. (-1) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: No one has ever asked to have a Seahawk full of stuffing at the dinner table.

30. (-1) CINCINNATI BENGALS: Chad Ocho Cinco can change the name of the stuffing recipe, but the results still stink.

31. (-1) KANSAS CITY CHIEFS: Can't expect to be doing any stuffing once you let Jared Allen go.

32. (NC) DETROIT LIONS: You can't make stuffing out of nothing.
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AP CAPTIONS: Jeremy Cloughessy, of St. Clair Shores, Mich., wears a turkey hat to the Tennessee Titans-Detroit Lions NFL football game in Detroit, Thursday, Nov. 27, 2008. (AP Photo/Paul Sancya)

Patrick Tuffy, left, of Jenkintown, Pa., and Joe Klinicki, of West Chester, Pa., play football outside Lincoln Financial Field before the Philadelphia Eagles' NFL football game against the Arizona Cardinals on Thanksgiving Day, in Philadelphia on Thursday, Nov. 27, 2008. (AP Photo/Matt Rourke)

It's time for a miracle push in the Week 12 NFL Power Rankings

Friends, I don't gamble on the NFL (unless you count Fantasy Football as gambling. Which you should). I'm talking about like calling your bookie to put a thousand dollars down on the Jaguars at plus-five. I don't gamble like that. I've never even been to Vegas (but I've always admired how that '70s TV show used to spell Vega$).

But I was intrigued by the ending of the Steelers-Chargers game, where a disallowed TD on the final play prevented Pittsburgh from covering the spread. So I thought the idea of "gambling odds" would make a fine theme for this week's NFL Power Rankings.

I got about halfway through writing it, peppering the one-liners with authentic-sounding spreads like 20-1, 200-1, 5-2, etc. That's when I realized that I should put a disclaimer on this somewhere that these odds are presented for entertainment value only. These are not real odds endorsed by Vega$ or any reputable bookmaker. They're just plain-old made up, folks!

Not that it would stop you from actually placing money on these bets, whether because you're just plain zany or one of those "addicted to gambling" types who needs professional help. If you can find some rube who would pay off on these, congratulations. But if you lose money, don't you wish you would have bought a nice steak dinner instead? Or at least treated me to a nice steak dinner.

Now I'm rambling. Let's get on to this week's Power Rankings. Oh, and if you missed it, my evil twin brother Orville and I agree that the NFL overtime system is not broken, so please, nobody try fixing it.

WEEK 12: GAMBLING ODDS EDITION

1. (NC) TENNESSEE TITANS: Doesn't take 10-1 odds to know that Jeff Fisher and Co. don't want to be 10-1 after meeting the Jets.

2. (NC) NEW YORK GIANTS: They hope the odds of keeping Brandon Jacobs healthy aren't the same as David Tyree making that catch again.

3. (NC) PITTSBURGH STEELERS: 3-2 odds that bookies think the end of the Steelers-Chargers game was the play of the year.

4. (NC) CAROLINA PANTHERS: Receivers wondering why odds are suddenly a long shot of catching a completion from Jake Delhomme.

5. (+3) TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: Odds of reaching playoffs just got taller now that tiny Warrick Dunn is the running back who must carry the load.

6. (+1) ARIZONA CARDINALS: There's no line on the odds to wrap up a division title this weekend -- only because we're in a state of shock.

7. (+3) NEW YORK JETS: Odds are 6-1 that Captain Favre can get these Jets flying supersonic into the playoffs.

8. (+6) MIAMI DOLPHINS: Are betting 11-1 that the Patriots defense won't be able to stop the Wildcat formation again.

9. (+6) INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: Odds are 80-1 that the usual AFC South card sharps thought they'd be jockeying for a wild card.

10. (+2) NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Doesn't take 18-1 odds to know they regret not getting the job done last season.

11. (-5) BALTIMORE RAVENS: Odds are 4-1 that Joe Flacco can grow as a QB by going up against his own defense.

12. (+4) DALLAS COWBOYS: 3-1 that America's team is hitting its stride at right time ... not just on the field, but in inventing soap opera story lines.

13. (+8) DENVER BRONCOS: Odds are 5-2 they couldn't screw up the AFC West lead if the offense lined up backward every play.

14. (-5) ATLANTA FALCONS: Since they've already surpassed last year's 4-12 mark, let's give 12-1 odds they'll earn a wild card berth.

15. (-4) WASHINGTON REDSKINS: Three years ago, odds were 10,000-1 against that a team could have Clinton Portis and Shaun Alexander in the same backfield.

16. (-11) PHILADELPHIA EAGLES:  2-1 that Donovan McNabb will hear about his tie-game befuddlement the rest of his life.

17. (+2) GREEN BAY PACKERS: Team is 5-5, so flip a coin if you want an opinion as to if they'll make the playoffs.

18. (+5) NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: Dan Marino hopes odds are 5,084-1 against Drew Brees breaking his single-season yards passing record.

19. (-6) CHICAGO BEARS: Where will team's wild rags-to-riches swings end? We'll give 3-1 rags, 300-1 riches.

20. (+4) CLEVELAND BROWNS: With every Brady Quinn completion, Derek Anderson's odds of returning as the starter are that much more in the doghouse.

21. (-4) BUFFALO BILLS: Hope Dick Jauron didn't make a bet that an AFC East division title could be won in September.

22. (-4) MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Troy Williamson is facing 200-1 odds against beating Brad Childress in the career longevity category.

23. (-3) SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: With coach Norv Turner set to return in 2009, odds of reaching Super Bowl just went to 2,009-1

24. (-2) JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: Jack Del Rio wonders whether he has better odds of having a Tom Coughlin Jaguars tenure or a Jeff Fisher Titans tenure.

25. (+4) SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: Odds of Mike Singletary getting the "interim" removed from his coaching title doesn't interest him as much as the odds of him kicking your butt.

26. (-1) HOUSTON TEXANS: 50-1 odds that the NFL will award an expansion franchise to Houston in 2009. Oh, they started one in 2002? Yikes!

27. (NC) ST. LOUIS RAMS: Odds of Marc Bulger throwing another interception? Pick 'em.

28. (NC) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: 8-1 that Mike Holmgren is thinking his sabbatical can't start soon enough.

29. (+1) CINCINNATI BENGALS: It's 25-1 that the team calls a tie score a moral victory; 500-1 of earning another real victory.

30. (-4) KANSAS CITY CHIEFS: 20-1 odds that U.S. economy will rebound before this franchise rights itself.

31. (NC) OAKLAND RAIDERS: Sure there are 100 yards on a football field, but it shouldn't be 100-1 odds of you finding the end zone.

32. (NC) DETROIT LIONS: If Rich Rodriguez's Michigan Wolverines played these Lions on a neutral field, Vegas wouldn't touch that line -- with good reason.
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AP CAPTION: New slot machines are showcased at the Global Gaming Expo (G2E) in Las Vegas, Wednesday, Nov. 19, 2008. Casino companies are all facing problems because of the rough economy, but smaller operators might be less likely to survive them, Frank Fahrenkopf Jr., the head of the American Gaming Association said Tuesday. (AP Photo/Jae C. Hong)

James Bond shoots down the Week 11 NFL Power Rankings

Duck! Daniel Craig's new James Bond movie, "Quantum of Solace" is here.

You can debate "Who is the best James Bond?" all you like.

I'd rather go to this site and peruse the possibilities of "Who was the best Bond Girl ever?"

Once you're done with that, check out this Majesty's Secret Service-inspired edition of the NFL Power Rankings. As Q would say, "Pay attention, 007!"

WEEK 11: JAMES BOND EDITION

1. (NC) TENNESSEE TITANS: If Titans go 19-0, some Nashville star better record a country version of Carly Simon's "Nobody Does it Better."

2. (NC) NEW YORK GIANTS: Tom Coughlin has relaxed his temper, but don't test his "Live and Let Die" attitude.

3. (NC) PITTSBURGH STEELERS: Diamonds are Forever ... but Steelers are five-time champs.

4. (NC) CAROLINA PANTHERS: Steve Smith is such a threat to catch anything thrown his way they should call him "Octopanther."

5. (NC) PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: League's hottest cheerleaders would give Bond girls a run for their money.

6. (+4) BALTIMORE RAVENS: Defense is more intimidating than Christopher Walken as a Bond villain who demands "More cowbell!"

7. (NC) ARIZONA CARDINALS: Offense is cruising like an Aston Martin, but when will that ejector seat go off?

8. (-2) TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: Jon Gruden can chew out his QBs more harshly if his dentist inserts a pair of Jaws' metal teeth.

9. (NC) ATLANTA FALCONS: Georgia Dome is not quite an underground lair, but suddenly a dangerous place to infiltrate.

10. (+2) NEW YORK JETS: At his gunslinger best, Goldenarm Favre has a License to Thrill.

11. (-3) WASHINGTON REDSKINS: When team has salary cap issues, Daniel Snyder can call in Miss Moneypenny.

12. (+1) NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Matt Cassel is proving fine George Lazenby to Tom Brady's Sean Connery.

13. (-2) CHICAGO BEARS: Fans wish Rex Grossman's throws were For Bears Hands Only.

14. (+2) MIAMI DOLPHINS: Wonder if Q suggested to Ronnie Brown the gadget play of the "Wildcat" formation.

15. (+3) INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: Offense is usually a Moonraker space shuttle; this year, it's a hang glider.

16. (-1) DALLAS COWBOYS: T.O.'s favorite TD catches come from From Romo With Love.

17. (-3) BUFFALO BILLS: Seeing Bills as Super Bowl champs can't be weirder than seeing Denise Richards as a Bond girl.

18. (+3) MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Vikings could never be a Bond villain: "From Norway With Love" doesn't have right ring to it.

19. (-2) GREEN BAY PACKERS: If a Cheesehead is a good guy, does that mean his archenemy is Cheesefinger?

20. (NC) SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: M's favorite player: L.T.

21. (+1) DENVER BRONCOS: If Mike Shanahan is not trying to be an evil genius, why does he always pet that white cat on the sideline?

22. (+1) JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: These felines are hardly scoring touchdowns galore.

23. (-4) NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: Next time we're in the Big Easy, we hope Jane Seymour will read our Tarot cards.

24. (NC) CLEVELAND BROWNS: Expected to be Daniel Craig's "Casino Royale"; instead, they're Woody Allen's "Casino Royale."

25. (NC) HOUSTON TEXANS: Look who's back: Sage "You Only Fumble Twice" Rosenfels.

26. (+4) KANSAS CITY CHIEFS: QBs have spent all season getting The Living Daylights knocked out of them.

27. (-1) ST. LOUIS RAMS: Each week, the first 10 minutes are exciting but have nothing to do with the game's outcome.

28. (-1) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: Next Halloween, Mike Holmgren should wear a black bowler hat and go as Oddjob.

29. (-1) SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: Mike Singletary is firmly at the helm of a blimp colliding with the Golden Gate Bridge.

30. (-1) CINCINNATI BENGALS: Chad Ocho Cinco's next nickname: "Doble-O-Siete."

31. (NC) OAKLAND RAIDERS: Al Davis used to be like Dr. No; now he's more like Austin Powers' Dr. Evil.

32. (NC) DETROIT LIONS: Odds of never winning again? Never say never again.
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Workers lay down red carpet as the crowns gather before the world premiere of the latest James Bond film 'Quantum Of Solace' at the Odeon,  Leicester Square in central London Wednesday evening Oct.29, 2008. (AP Photo /Yui Mok, PA)

This Nov. 18, 2002 file photo shows Pierce Brosnan, who plays James Bond  , as he poses for photographs with co-star Halle Berry who plays Jinx at the World Premiere of the James Bond film "Die Another Day" in London. Along with sports cars, gadgets and sex appeal, an impeccable sense of style is a hallmark of the now 46-year-old James Bond movie franchise.

This Aug. 1, 1972 file photo shows actor Roger Moore as he poses for a photograph at the Dorchester Hotel in London, after the announcement was made that he will play the British secret agent James Bond 007, in the production "Live and Let Die." Along with sports cars, gadgets and sex appeal, an impeccable sense of style is a hallmark of the now 46-year-old James Bond movie franchise.

Hope you take a good look at the Week 10 NFL Power Rankings

There's change coming in lots of places lately ... for example, Jake Delhomme is my newest starting quarterback, after having gone through Tom Brady, Tony Romo and Kyle Orton. Right now, Jake must be thinking -- "Gulp!" ... Sorry big guy ... but lots of people think that where there's change there's hope these days, so without further ado, here is ...

WEEK 10: HOPE EDITION

1. (NC) TENNESSEE TITANS: 8-0 team hopes no one's printing "18-1" T-shirts again this February.

2. (NC) NEW YORK GIANTS: With Tyree on I.R., Eli is hoping someone else can duplicate that Super Bowl catch come crunch time.

3. (+2) PITTSBURGH STEELERS: Medical staff hopes Big Ben, Willie Parker won't be campaigning for further health care reform.

4. (NC) CAROLINA PANTHERS: They're hoping Jonathan Stewart can generate more TDs now that "Daily Show" election coverage is over.

5. (+1) PHILADELPHIA EAGLES:  Hoping to share the stage with Phillies as world champs before fans get more antsy.

6. (+2) TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: Hoping they're not asked to wear those horrible creamsicle unis as throwbacks anytime soon.

7. (+3) ARIZONA CARDINALS: Hoping that sharing a division with three 2-6 teams is not a dream they wake up from.

8. (-5) WASHINGTON REDSKINS: With a bye week, hope takes a well-earned break from one part of D.C.

9. (+3) ATLANTA FALCONS: Hottest afternoon soap opera in Georgia: "Matt Ryan's Hope."

10. (+6) BALTIMORE RAVENS: Against this defense, opposing offenses could use faith and charity too.

11. (+3) CHICAGO BEARS: New TV show is about Rex Grossman's prospects of going pick-free: "Chicago Hope."

12. (+6) NEW YORK JETS: It's a fine line between hoping for a win and hoping to avoid a four-interception game.

13. (-4) NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: "Help me, BenJarvus Green-Ellis ... you're my only hope!"

14. (-7) BUFFALO BILLS: Can Trent Edwards be a gunslinger? For now, he's a Hope-along Cassidy.

15. (-4) DALLAS COWBOYS: Wade Phillips hopes the media will not pick up on the fact that Jerry Jones kinda, sorta owns his soul.

16. (+6) MIAMI DOLPHINS: After Jason Taylor fiasco, don't expect team fight song to be Lee Ann Womack's "I Hope You Dance."

17. (-4) GREEN BAY PACKERS: Hope means never retiring that No. 4 jersey until Favre is 104 years old.

18. (+6) INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: Fans hope Peyton didn't have any other mystery knee surgeries he hasn't told us about.

19. (-4) NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: Saints are past hoping for playoffs, moving on to praying.

20. (NC) SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: Hoping L.T.won't be hopping because of that bad toe.

21. (+2) MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Hoping Jared Allen will earn more in playoff bonuses than he pays in dirty-hit fines.

22. (-5) DENVER BRONCOS: Even Project Hope couldn't save this team with so many injuries.

23. (-4) JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: Team that was supposed to build on last year's playoff hopes is now plain hopeless.

24. (-3) CLEVELAND BROWNS: Franchise is more cursed than the Hope Diamond.

25. (NC) HOUSTON TEXANS: Every Sage Rosenfels pass  is a testament to hope.

26. (+1) ST. LOUIS RAMS: Sandra Bullock starred in "Hope Floats"; Marc Bulger stars in "Hope Sinks."

27. (-1) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: If "hope is the thing with feathers," these 'Hawks are without feathers (apologies Emily Dickinson/Woody Allen!).

28. (+1) SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: Entire western seaboard hopes Mike Singletary can keep his pants on.

29. (+3) CINCINNATI BENGALS: Playoff hopes are more laughable than a Bob Hope special.

30. (NC) KANSAS CITY CHIEFS: Before calling up another third-string QB, Chiefs could use some hope on a rope.

31. (-3) OAKLAND RAIDERS: Hope got cut eight games after it signed a $70 million contract.

32. (-1) DETROIT LIONS: Abandon all hope ye who enter here. That means you, Daunte Culpepper.

Boo on you! It's the Week 9 Trick-or-Treat edition of the NFL Power Rankings

And the winner of the Hank Williams Jr. lookalike contest at the Tennessee Titans game is ... wait a minute, that is Hank Williams Jr.!

Dangnabit! Just goes to show you that at this time of year, looks can always be deceiving. After all, who could have guessed that the Titans would be a perfect 7-0, while the Detroit Lions and Cincinnati Bengals would be a combined 0-15?

OK, we probably could have guessed that last one back in August. Still, that's no excuse not to read the rest of these power rankings for tricks, treats, surprises, and hopefully a little tickling of your skeleton's funny bones ...

Happy Halloween, everybody! And to all a good night. Or something like that.

WEEK 9: TRICK OR TREAT EDITION

1. (NC) TENNESSEE TITANS: With 7-0 start, life is like a box of chocolates for Jeff Fisher and Co.

2. (+1) NEW YORK GIANTS: Sometimes it’s hard to believe Tom Coughlin doesn’t have bolts attached to his neck.

3. (+3) WASHINGTON REDSKINS: Coach Jim Zorn has team not playing like end zone zombies anymore.

4. (+3) CAROLINA PANTHERS: Fact: Running back DeAngelo Williams is a bigger freak about Halloween than Michael Myers.

5. (-3) PITTSBURGH STEELERS: Imagine a mummy costume made entirely of Terrible Towels.

6. (+6) PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: Most popular costume in town: a Phillies player holding a World Series trophy.

7. (-3) BUFFALO BILLS: Seeing Patriots win the AFC East again would be more torture than “Saw V.”

8. (-3) TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: Shouldn’t be too hard to find a pirate costume for a Chucky doll.

9. (+5) NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Instant costume: A Tom Brady jersey and a pair of crutches.

10. (-2) ARIZONA CARDINALS: Can Cardinals finally exorcise fearsome playoff demons?

11. (+4) DALLAS COWBOYS: Team’s horror stories make Jerry Jones look like The Cryptkeeper.

12. (-3) ATLANTA FALCONS: Team’s 4-3 start is more surprising than seeing Willy Wonka eating broccoli.

13. (-3) GREEN BAY PACKERS: Hope you like cheese-flavored lollipops.

14. (-3) CHICAGO BEARS: Fans hope their quarterback doesn’t wear a Rex Grossman mask.

15. (+6) NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: Maybe win in London will provide proper voodoo for rest of schedule.

16. (+3) BALTIMORE RAVENS: Quoth the Ravens fans: “Flacco, more!”

17. (+1) DENVER BRONCOS: Injuries have turned defense into a skeleton crew.

18. (+6) NEW YORK JETS: Who knows what costume - er, uniform - Brett Favre will wear next season.

19. (-6) JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: Jags playing as though a black cat walks through the huddle each play.

20. (-4) SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: Difference between injured and healthy L.T. is difference between Lemonheads and Red Hots.

21. (+4) CLEVELAND BROWNS: Sure, the song is “Cleveland Rocks.” But the team is more like “I got a rock.”

22. (+4) MIAMI DOLPHINS: Who knows what treat bags are hidden in Ricky Williams’ house.

23. (-3) MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Waiting for offense to get started is like waiting for the Great Pumpkin.

24. (-7) INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: With 1-2 start at Lucas Oil Stadium, new home is more like a Treehouse of Horrors.

25. (-3) HOUSTON TEXANS: Fans are tired of Texans dressing like an expansion franchise year after year.

26. (+4) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: Offense is proving more Frankenberry than Frankenstein.

27. (-4) ST. LOUIS RAMS: Hard to watch this defense without lots of Snickers.

28. (NC) OAKLAND RAIDERS: Favorite candy bar of receiving corps? Butterfingers

29. (-2) SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: In worse shape than a chocolate Easter bunny with missing ears.

30. (-1) KANSAS CITY CHIEFS: With Chiefs’ luck, their candy bag would have a hole in it.

31. (NC) DETROIT LIONS: In Detroit, every game day is Devil’s Night.

32. (NC) CINCINNATI BENGALS: Does orange and black remind you of a jack-o-lantern? Time to start smashing pumpkins.
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AP CAPTION: Country music star Hank Williams Jr. sings the national anthem before an NFL football game between the Tennessee Titans and the Indianapolis Colts in Nashville, Tenn., Monday, Oct. 27, 2008. (AP Photo/Bill Waugh)

Vote early and often for the Week 8 Swing State edition of the NFL Power Rankings

John Elway was famous for fourth-quarter comebacks. John McCain could use a fourth-quarter comeback. But I'll let someone else wonder how the past few months could have gone if McCain had decided to draft a football dad for his running mate instead of a hockey mom.

So whether you're a Republican, a Democrat or a Librarian ... no wait, a Libertarian ... we're all football fans at heart, so let's cast our ballots for the latest NFL Power Rankings.

(Oh, but first, if you haven't seen it, check out my evil twin brother Orville's prank phone call to Tony Romo here.)

WEEK 8: SWING STATE EDITION

1. (NC) TENNESSEE TITANS: How's this for an October surprise: Titans are perfect at the polls.

2. (NC) PITTSBURGH STEELERS: In parts of "Real America," Steelers fans think they have the "Real Pennsylvania" team.

3. (NC) NEW YORK GIANTS: With Giants Stadium in New Jersey, team is only registered to vote in the Garden State.

4. (NC) BUFFALO BILLS: Fans will vote for whomever can keep the electricity on.

5. (NC) TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: Year after year, Bucs get reelected thanks to strong defense platform.

6. (+3) WASHINGTON REDSKINS: Talk about "change" coming to D.C. -- 'Skins could win division crown in a landslide.

7. (+3) CAROLINA PANTHERS: If the Carolinas are such solid red states, how come uniforms feature so much Panther Blue?

8. (-2) ARIZONA CARDINALS: McCain's promise to home-state franchise: If elected, team records since arriving in 1988 will be expunged.

9. (+2) ATLANTA FALCONS: Defenses saw Red when receiver Roddy White Blue by.

10. (+5) GREEN BAY PACKERS: Aaron Rodgers slowly winning popular vote among Cheesehead demographic.

11. (+10) CHICAGO BEARS: Obama looks like his state's team: slicker on the offensive, big questions looming on defense.

12. (+2) PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: Fans trying not to draw analogies between Westbrook's health and crack in Liberty Bell.

13. (+3) JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: Blue-collar town is full of fans known as "Jag Sixpack" and "Jag the Plumber."

14. (+10) NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: By choosing his own surgeon, Tom Brady takes health care reform too far.

15. (-7) DALLAS COWBOYS: America's Team is seeing its poll numbers slipping faster than Dennis Kucinich on roller skates off the Empire State Building.

16. (-9) SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: Have been fumbling domestic issues so badly, might as well try their luck with foreign affairs.

17. (-5) INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: Peyton's hot-button issue: if Vols Nation will throw Phillip Fulmer out of office.

18. (-5) DENVER BRONCOS: Maybe team is suffering performance anxiety in wake of that acceptance speech stage at Mile High Stadium.

19. (+8) BALTIMORE RAVENS: Placing bounties on opponents? Talk about illegal campaign contributions.

20. (-3) MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Tensions high in red states and blue states, but 3-4 record is stirring panic in a certain purple state.

21. (-3) NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: Here's an exit strategy: Reggie Bush goes down and they flee for London.

22. (NC) HOUSTON TEXANS: Can anyone on this team be added to the Pro Bowl roster? Read my lips: No new Texans.

23. (+2) ST. LOUIS RAMS: Have been notching impressive wins since regime change.

24. (-5) NEW YORK JETS: Favre's interceptions per game can be tracked with a margin of error of plus or minus 3 percent.

25. (-5) CLEVELAND BROWNS: "Don't blame me: I voted for Brady Quinn."

26. (-3) MIAMI DOLPHINS: Insert South Florida/hanging Chad (Pennington) joke here.

27. (-1) SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: Guess they can scrape those "Impeach Mike Nolan" bumper stickers off their cars.

28. (+2) OAKLAND RAIDERS: Be willing to bet Al Davis' underground bunker makes Cheney's look like a living room fort made of couch cushions.

29. (-1) KANSAS CITY CHIEFS: With healthy quarterbacks vanished, break out the absentee ballots.

30. (-1) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: Would be able to see Canada from its house if it weren't for all those rain clouds.

31. (+1) DETROIT LIONS: Is team better off now than it was four years ago? Heck, they're worse now than 40 years ago.

32. (-1) CINCINNATI BENGALS: Every sports sections in Ohio that covers this team should use the headline: "FRAUD AT POLLS."
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AP CAPTION: Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain, left, speaks at Springs Fabrication while former Denver Broncos quarterback John Elway looks on in Colorado Springs, Colo., on Friday, Oct. 24, 2008. (AP Photo/Chris Schneider, Pool)