The Sports Guesspert

Braves' Ring gets rung, exits stage right

At right is the portrait of a man who gave up the winning run in the 11th inning.

And the Braves are a portrait of a team that just can't win on the road.

After Friday night's 3-2 loss in Cincinnati (don't want to blame Royce Ring entirely -- Chipper Jones made an error on the final play), the AP had this to say about the Braves' road woes:

   Ugliness has been the Braves' traveling companion this season. They have the fewest wins on the road in the NL (7-18) and are 0-12 on the road in one-run games. Stretching back to last August, Atlanta has dropped its last 19 one-run games on the road.
   The Braves wore their all-blue caps with their gray road uniforms, the same combination they broke out the previous night for an 8-1 win in Milwaukee. They decided stay with whatever works.
   The look only worked for one day.

Chipper Jones went 0-for-5 and hit into two double plays. His batting average plummeted to .409.

Braves almanac: 29-26 (.527), 3rd place in NL East, 107 games to go
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AP CAPTION: Atlanta Braves reliever Royce Ring leaves the field after giving up the game winning hit to Cincinnati Reds' Brandon Phillips in the bottom of the 11th inning of a baseball game, Friday, May 30, 2008, in Cincinnati. Cincinnati won 3-2. (AP Photo/Al Behrman)

Wendy's offers 'Desperate French Fries' (and: we make an anti-SATC post)

Yes, that might be the worst pun in Guesspert blog headline history. But it's for a good cause.

Eva Longoria Parker worked the Wendy's counter for charity this week. Our trusty AP photo caption writer calls it:

"A publicity campaign for the second annual "Father's Day Frosty Weekend." The goal is to raise more than $1.3 million for the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption and the Wendy's Wonderful Kids Foundation."

I'm also making sure that I post a picture of Eva cheering on her husband Tony Parker during the Spurs' ill-fated Western Conference Finals showdown against the Lakers. Because we are, first and foremost, a sports blog that should get around to talking about sportsy-types of things every now and again.

Oh, and here's my next point: There's no way I would ever go see the "Sex and the City" movie (although Bride of Guesspert went out with her gal-pals Friday night to see it. Maybe she'll treat us with a guest review this weekend).

But I WOULD go see a "Desperate Housewives" movie.

And if Kristin Davis crossed over to appear in the "Desperate Housewives," I'd camp out for tickets.

In the meantime, help out the Wendy's charity, if you get a chance.
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AP CAPTION: Actress Eva Longoria-Parker works behind the counter at the Wendy's Old Fashioned Hamburgers restaurant in Corpus Christi, Texas, on Tuesday, May 27, 2008, during a publicity campaign for the second annual "Father's Day Frosty Weekend." The goal is to raise more than $1.3 million for the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption and the Wendy's Wonderful Kids Foundation. (AP photo: Paul Iverson)

Actress Eva Longoria-Parker stands with employee Brooke Northcott, left, as she works behind the counter at the Wendy's Old Fashioned Hamburgers restaurant in Corpus Christi, Texas, on Tuesday, May 27, 2008, during a publicity campaign for the second annual "Father's Day Frosty Weekend." The goal is to raise more than $1.3 million for the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption and the Wendy's Wonderful Kids Foundation. (AP Photo/Paul Iverson)

Actress Eva Longoria-Parker holds up a sign supporting the San Antonio Spurs before the start of Game 4 of the NBA Western Conference basketball finals against the Los Angeles Lakers, Tuesday, May 27, 2008 in San Antonio. Longoria-Parker is married to Spurs guard Tony Parker. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Did season finale of 'Lost' leave you coughin'?

Jack says: "Hey, guys! The water around the island is only this deep! We can probably walk our way back to L.A.!"

Dang, I hate to admit it, but ... the Season Four finale of "Lost" felt slightly underwhelming.

Oh, the night started off with a bang -- when Kate slammed on the brakes of her car as we continued the "I'm sick of lying!" airport showdown scene with Jack from the Season Three finale.

And the final scene of the night did its job by jolting us with a confirmation of who is resting in the casket at the funeral parlor of "Hoffs/Drawler" (an anagram for "Flash Forward," doncha know).

But for most of the night, it just felt like we were wrapping up loose ends whose resolution had been signaled to us anyway all season long. Maybe I'll chalk some of that up to this being a crazy season to put on paper in its entirety because of the loss of time from the Writer's Guild strike.

So I won't bother so much with a breakdown of last night's episode, so much as I'll look forward to the questions I most want answered, and talk about the characters I'm most interested in.

My biggest question: OK, here's what we know. The island disappears and the Oceanic Six reappears in society around the end of December 2004. So it's late  2007, early 2008 when Ben and Jack meet in the funeral parlor. At that point, we know Ben's not on the island anymore. John Locke isn't on the island anymore. So who's in charge of the island at that point? Sawyer? Juliet? Richard Alpert? Is that why it's so important for Jack and Co. to go back, because it's Jack's destiny to run the island?

Sawyer: Don't get me wrong, James Ford had his moments in Season Four. We saw how desperately he wanted to protect Claire. And that was quite a leap of faith he took in the finale. But Season Four has got to be a letdown for fans of "Lost's" answer to Han Solo. I know we only had 14 episodes, but not one of them was Sawyer-centric. That's got to be one of the first things the writers fix in Season Five within the first three episodes. Hopefully, in the season opener.

Desmond: He survived the finale, but how much will he be back in the fold? Considering how Ben announced it's his mission to take down Penny, I'm sure Desmond will continue to get run through the wringer. He is my favorite of the living Lostaways. (My all-time favorite "Lost" character remains Mr. Eko, and I'm glad he got a shout-out in the Season Four finale).

Ben Linus: I love it when Ben is evil in a "world domination" way. I cringe whenever he is evil in a petty "I'm going to get you back, cuz you hurt my feelings" way. Either way, Ben remains in my Fave Five (assuming the island gets cell phone reception).

Miles: Of all the new characters introduced this season, Miles was the big hit. I think he's already seamlessly worked himself into the fabric of the show. And if anything ever happened to Sawyer, I wouldn't mind seeing Miles fill that void of the cynical scoundrel (though the ladies might disagree, given Sawyer's obvious advantages of long, blond hair, washboard abs and ... I think I'll stop with my description there). But I like Miles' smart-alek, take no junk attitude combined with his wacky "Sixth Sense" skills.

Michael/Walt: Note to major characters: It's not a good thing to see Christian Shephard in your grille. But it was great to see Walt in a cameo. It would be better to see Teen Walt return as a major player in Seasons Five and/or Six. It would be the perfect way to bookend the potential of all the spookly talents he had on display in Season One. And just because Michael stayed behind on the freighter doesn't mean we won't see him again in flashbacks and/or Christian Shephard-like visions. 

Daniel Faraday: So was he on a raft when the island went Swayze? Is he lost at sea, or was he swept along and now safe on shore? It would seem his character needs to stick around to explain to us more about all the time warp shenanigans. Plus, he's so mentally unstable, I can see him busting out in a "Let's do the Time Warp Again" production number, and that would be entertaining.

Claire: Dead or alive or what? Another issues the writers need to address within the first three episodes of Season Five.

Sayid: Was he lying when he told Hurley he was going to take him "somewhere safe" that wasn't the island? If Sayid is still working for Ben, it would seem this scene would dovetail with Ben's "Let's put the band back together" mission. And that would make Sayid a liar to Hurley, because that would be the whole point: Get the Oceanic Six back on the island. Or maybe Sayid knows Ben's plan, doesn't agree with Ben's plan, and is ready to go on the run with Hurley to make sure they don't get back on the island.

Juliet: She saves Jack from a burst appendix, and this is the thanks she gets? Or maybe given how she knows so many of the island's secrets from working with Ben, she's the Queen of the Island in Locke's absence. Or! Maybe she's the one who overthrew Locke in the first place ...

Oh, well. Now we wait until January or February '09. Anyone have some Dharma Initiative orientation films we can watch in the meantime?

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AP CAPTION: In this image released by ABC, Matthew Fox is shown in a scene from the season finale of "Lost," which aired Thursday, May 29, 2008, on ABC.  (AP Photo/ABC, Mario Perez)

Mmmm ... football tailgating with The Simpsons ...

OK ... we all know "The Simpsons" has not been especially kind to Columbia, S.C.

First, there was that time when Lisa refused to fall for Homer's trick to enroll her at USC:

Homer: "Don't worry, honey.  We can't afford this now, but when it's time, I promise my darling daughter can go to the finest school there is ... in South Carolina."

Lisa: "Oh! I will not be a Gamecock!"

Homer: "You will too!"  [Lisa continues her struggle, until her grip on the bars finally slips] "Go Gamecocks!"

Lisa: "No!"

From: "The Bart Wants What it Wants" (May 19, 1999)

... and there was that time Chief Wiggum sent Bart on an undercover mission:

Wiggum: "Your mission is to find the fireworks smugglers, and get them to say something incriminating on this tape."  [holds up a cassette tape]

Bart: [reading the tape label] "'Hootie and the Blowfish'?"

Wiggum: "Yeah.  It's cheaper than blank tape."

From: "Trilogy of Error" (April 29, 2001)

... but an episode this season called "Any Given Sundance" begins with the citizens of Springfield taking in some tailgating before The Big Game between Springfield U and Springfield A&M.

The tailgate party/brawl covers the first three minutes of this episode ... the rest is about Lisa making a documentary about her home life ... but since no one has a good excuse to tailgate for a few months yet, this ought to hold you through the summer.

And it's jam-packed with great one-liners:

Sideshow Mel: "Your tenure track is heavily politicized!"

Ultimate 'Seinfeld' sports score? Nothing-Nothing

In honor of the 10th anniversary of the final episode of "Seinfeld," Dave Darling -- the Weekend Watchdog TV columnist at the Orlando Sentinel -- salutes the Top 10 Sports Moments in "Seinfeld" History.

He makes a great point in his opening paragraph:

Have you ever noticed how "Everybody Loves Raymond," a show about a sports columnist, rarely was about sports, but "Seinfeld," a show about nothing, often was about sports?

My only suggestion to Darling's fine work? He should have started that sentence with "Didja ever notice ... ?"

Not a surprise that "Seinfeld" sports such a fine sports pedigree ... after all, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Larry David were '80s veterans of "Saturday Night Live" (she a performer, he a writer) ... cue shameless plug to my "SNL Sportsplex" now.

Guesspert public service message: Get your transcripts for all "Seinfeld" episodes at SeinfeldScripts.com.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to apply for an internship at Kramerica.

Is every night on the road Braves bobbleball night?

Going to a game on "bobblehead night" is always fun.

But Braves leftfielder Gregor Blanco had a "bobbleball" moment Wednesday night in a 1-0 loss to Milwaukee.

Oops. Give up one run on the road and still lose? That's why the Braves have a crash test-worthy 6-18 road record.

The AP makes note: The Braves have now lost 18 straight one-run games on the road.

P.S.  It was manager Ned Yost's 400th career victory with the Brewers. Yay, Ned! That's our second Ned Yost reference in the past month, by the way. Sign of the apocalypse?

Braves almanac: 28-25 (.528), 3rd place in NL East, 109 games to go.
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AP CAPTION: Atlanta Braves left fielder Gregor Blanco can't come up with a single hit by Milwaukee Brewers' Bill Hall during the second inning of a baseball game Wednesday, May 28, 2008, in Milwaukee. (AP Photo/Morry Gash)

This one's going out to all the USC football ladies

It's that time of year again to sign up for Steve Spurrier's Fourth Annual Ladies Football Clinic.

I know because I got my invitation in the mail today.

Well, not MY invitation. It was addressed to my wife. I sent her to it last year so I could write this story about her attending the Steve Spurrier Ladies Football Clinic. Hey, it was either send her or disguise myself in drag and go undercover. Evidently, my wife is on a mailing list that the athletics office hopes will draw repeat customers. Meanwhile, I'm still not in drag -- yet.

This year's S.O.S. Ladies Clinic is Saturday, July 19. You can register for it online here. Us guys will stay at home, memorizing the Phil Steele preview magazine. Steve Spurrier wine optional.

Is Willie Randolph still managing the Mets?

It appears the Mets' skipper is still the man in charge after a two-hour meeting with the higher-ups ... but let me just say that if Randolph is tabbed as the host for the opening episode of the 2008-09 season of "SNL," I wouldn't bet on him being introduced as the Mets manager.

As I type this, the Mets are 23-26, fourth place in the NL East. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the problems that cause last season's historic collapse from playoff contention were things that weren't going to be fixed in one off-season. Or in this case, in one manager's tenure.

Speaking of that historic 2007 collapse, here is a snippet from "Weekend Update" where Randolph and Mets G.M. Omar Minaya answer -- or, uh, try to answer -- some questions about what went wrong. Kudos to Keenan Thompson for filling out the uniform and Fred Armisan for letting that wig sit on top of his skull for that long.

The one good thing I can say about this one-joke exchange is that at least they had the good taste to pull the plug on it early, and not try to fill it out into a six-minute sketch. Though I can envision Dan Aykroyd pulling off the Minaya part of this equation back in the day.

Original airdate: Oct. 6, 2007
SNL Sportsplex entry No. 36

Is new Gamecocks QB Ryan Perrilloux the Pacman Jones of college football?

That's the theory spouted by my good friend and CBSSports.com SPiN on Sports colleague Clay Travis in a recent Clay Nation column.

(And when I say "new Gamecocks quarterback," I mean "new Jacksonville State Gamecocks quarterback" Ryan Perrilloux ... in the Football Championship Subdivision thingamabob ... I hope you didn't click on this link thinking Perrilloux joined the South Carolina Gamecocks ... but now that I think about it, that would be a pretty underhanded way to potentially boost my daily hit count, if I had done this on purpose. My bad!)

Actual journalism time: Here is an interview with Perrilloux about his life and times published May 20 on a Birmingham News blog.

Where was I? Oh yeah ... if you're going to be a Ryan Perrilloux/Pacman Jones troublemaker, do it in the NFL after you've already gotten paid ... if you're getting kicked off of teams while in college, that just hurts your earning potential down the road ... unless of course, you're Randy Moss.

Anyway, sorry again about that "Gamecocks" misdirection ... I didn't want you to think that some day Ryan Perrilloux and Stephen Garcia would be battling for the starting quarterback job for the Gamecocks ... wait a minute, which Gamecocks am I talking about again? I'm confused ...

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AP PHOTO CREDIT: JOHN AMIS

NASCAR gets its StubHub on

We're starting a new feature each week on The Guesspert Blog. We're going to turn the spotlight on the "Sports on the Web" column by my good friend and State Sports colleague Steve Wiseman. You know, that Page Two column that appears in each week's Sunday paper.

This week on "Sports on the Web", Steve talks about how StubHub has partnered with several tracks on the NASCAR circuit ... how CBSSports* is going after more college sports ad dollars to go along with its work on NCAA.com ... and how the ECHL's Kelly Cup Finals can be seen on B2 Networks. ... (when you click on that site, be nice to the lady in the black dress who tells you how everything works).

Hmmm, ECHL ... that stands for East Coast Hockey League, right? ... Didn't Columbia used to have an ECHL team? ... (seriously, the Columbia Inferno has already been eliminated by the ECHL's scroll down list of franchises... ugh ...) 

*Conflict of interest disclaimer: Me likee CBSSports.com because they publish my freelance stories.